August 27, 2009
Mary Jo Kopechne’s watery grave: requiescat in pace.
(Martha’s Libtard, MA) Speaker of the House Nates Pilosae (D-Fistula) announced today she would rally liberal support for the flagging ObamaCare bill by renaming it the Senator Kennedy Really Enjoyed Women Undressing, or SKREWU, Act. Asked if this means any substantive changes, Pilosae said: “Well, we’re planning to make the reproductive health care stuff a stand-alone bill. The mother’s, I mean. To be fair, cranial puncture and suction doesn’t necessarily meet everybody’s definition of health care for babies.”
As some in the audience shifted in their seats, Pilosae continued: “The stand-alone bill, which we’re calling the Ted Kennedy Inconvenient Duty to Rescue Act, dispenses with all that partial-birth stuff our base is so keen on. Instead, unwanted children will be allowed to be born but then plied with booze and drugs, strapped into an Oldsmobile, and driven off a bridge into a pond. Then left to swim for themselves. All taxpayer-funded, of course. We think Sen. Kennedy would be proud.”
— Sue Denham
Americans were horrified when they learned that rescue workers found [Mary Jo Kopechne’s] body in the well of the back seat with her head held up, perhaps indicating that she had been alive for some time breathing in an air pocket.
It may be that Edward Kennedy will find mercy in the other world, a good defense before the dread judgment seat of Christ, in the ancient formulation. Maybe not. It’s not for us still on this side of the veil to say. But what we can say, is that pretty young staffers, unborn children, our republican forms of government, and whiskey distilleries everywhere will sleep better tonight. Or as my tart-tongued friend Peona de Fleur said yesterday: “My mother always said to say something good about the dead. Ted Kennedy’s dead. Good.”
A bit jaggy but genuine I believe: a rare Hibernian walrus, Ebriosus cacatus, disoriented with drink and drugs, beaches itself on Martha’s Vineyard.
This is so creamy and rich, rightists, you’ll eat it up with a spoon! Mind you don’t choke as you chortle with glee, as I almost did:
Urban America’s favorite big-box store, which draws hippie liberal douches as a stockyard flies, announced publicly against collectivized medical care recently. In the Wall Street Journal! Instantly, the Gerald and Helen Goodes of the world, every grey ponytail, snotty pouf and ugly introvert girl for miles around, drenched his/her pants in pixillated pique. Says ABC News:
The op-ed piece, which begins with a Margaret Thatcher quote [sic], “The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money,” has left some Whole Foods loyalists enraged. Many say Mackey was out of line to opine against the liberal base that has made his fortune possible.
So poignant — where now, I ask, will Berkeley smellies and Manhattan smuggies pay ten dollars for a wormy tomato? Obamatard fighting Obamatard: the double grief.
Angry at Whole Foods: local Obama voter and wealthy slumlord Herman Adelstein, shown here at his fortieth Berkeley reunion.
Pictured above: (R) Barack Obama, president of the United States and box-office poison, stands on his grandmother’s grave (“a typical white person”) to thank racial shakedown artist Skip “I’ll Talk to Your Mama Outside” Gates for his help with the staged incident last week; (L) Gates prepares to emit the sequel to his learned post-racial treatise The Future of the Race (not to be confused with Josef Goebbels’ absorbing read of the same name).
In this connection, do yourself a favor and read IowaHawk’s satire of l’affaire Gates — smart and funny.