January 27, 2009

It’s official:


Dear patriots: Hold the fort, help is on the way.

Dear Andrew Sullivan, hairless misogyne, dilettante scribbler, and all who lap your poisoned effluvia: Drop dead.  Love, Sarah.



(New York) Helium-head Princess Caroline, tax cheater, nannygater and “troubled marriage”er, has cruelly been given the hook by New York Governor David Paterson, who has appointed upstate Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) to succeed Hillary Rod’em in the Senate.  Says the Post:

Liberal Democrats have been wary of her because she ran for re-election with the backing of the National Rifle Association, opposed the federal TARP program to rescue banks, and has been less than enthusiastic about gay marriage.

Well, give the woman a cigar!  One of Bill “Human Humidor” Clinton’s should do.  Though please ensure it doesn’t come from an opened box.

All this delicious giving urban elites the shaft! Hillary at State, Gates at Defense, the quasi-moronic Princess Caroline unceremoniously kicked back to her group home.  Alas, the MoveOn nutroots and college town dowdies must feel their faith in the Second Coming of George McGovern wavering a little. If the Democrats keep this up they might someday revive the party of Jefferson, Jackson and Bryan – and then maybe someday patriot Americans might have some plausible electoral alternative to the invade-the-world, invite-the-world Republicans.

Obomber’s installation in the White House: the inmates are running the asylum.


(Washington, DC)  Mental midgets and moral dwarves from across the country, taking a break from masturbating, skimming the New York Times and grading stacks of undergraduate lit papers, have swarmed the nation’s capital to help thrust Sen. Barack Hussein Obomber (Weatherman-IL) into the nation’s highest office.  “Obomber, bastard child of a traveling Kenyan national and his America-hating mistress — as she recalled, anyhow — shows that anybody, just anybody, can become president of the United States,” exulted Nates Pilosae (D-CA), Speaker of the House and cracked leather good.  “Forty years’ assaults on the culture have finally paid off: the American sheeple are such docile self-haters they’ve installed in the White House an imp who loathes their most basic values — voluntarily!

Pilosae smiled, or perhaps it’s just that her facelift is so tight that sitting down causes her mouth to open.  “So what if Dhimmicrats have to sneak in Marxism by the back door, if we beat you in the end?  Obomber and his cabal of wine-quaffing surrender monkeys are just the purgative the American system needs to finally dislodge patriotism and piety for good.”  Waving her liberal-arts Lilliputians forward with one liver-spot talon, Pilosae wheeled toward the heartland and, grinning, barked: “America, assume the position!”

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends…”


(Eunuch-upon-Nees, England) Ruddy-cheeked soldier and open heterosexual Prince Harry was haled before the Ministry of Muslim Appeasement in London today, amid explosive charges he described throat-slitting, female fingernail-extracting foes who wear rags on their heads as “ragheads” and abbreviated the word “Pakistani” to “Paki.”  The boisterous namesake of Shakespeare’s Prince Hal will be sent to Clockwork Orange Diversity Training Centre for castration.

“This handsome prince has scandalized droopy-dick xenophiles and their sexless wives across the Atlantic world by refusing to hate himself as we do,” said Sir Orwell Pussy-Foote, Minister for Muslim Appeasement. “Army diversity training CLEARLY stipulates that one invite illegal combatants to tea and cakes and ices before slapping them with a fan and blushing ‘Tut, tut sir!’ Though if he ever knocked me down in a dark alley and yelled ‘Once more unto the breach’ I’d gladly grab ankle and present him mine — breech, I mean.”

This one, alas, is for real.


(Oakland, CA) Leemu Topka, owner of Creative African Braids, flees her smashed shop carrying her infant child last night. Topka’s shop was attacked by a mob burning and vandalizing through downtown Oakland to “protest” the shooting by BART police of a man arrested for public brawling on the transit system. No legal process has determined the facts and circumstances of the shooting, but luckily the weak rule of law in the arsie-varsie Bay lets casual vandals and resentful grad students take crowbars into their own hands and summarily punish the innocent.

To delishen the irony, Oakland mayor Ron Dellums, appealing for order to the baying mob, is a sometime member of the “Democratic Socialist Organizing Committee” and spent the 80s as a Castroite fifth columnist in Congress — yet this tender Red conscience sleeps well knowing Dellums’ lobbying firm shills for drug multinational Bristol-Myers Squibb and Rolls Royce, maker of military aircraft engines and, er, cars for the very rich. Just another day in the Bay, barbarous Anus Mundi.


(L) President-eject and p(u)issant master of the universe Barack Hussein Osama, shown taking a short break from his godly work of lowering the seas, healing the planet and exposing survivors of uterine infanticide. (R) Rushing into the gap left by the forcible expulsion of Bill Richardson (D-NM) from the seat of Commerce Secretary, Dhimmicrat time-servers display their credentials for high office to the President-eject.

A mind is a terrible thing not to have.


(Innbread, NY) Brittle rhinoplaster and empty pantsuit Princess Caroline Kennedy, 78, is the rumored front-runner for the Senate seat Hillary Rod ‘Em recently vacated, for which the seat squeaks a relieved thanks. Eight years’ squashing under a very full pantsuit was no picnic, the seat confides; more thighs than a bucket of KFC, and tucked or no that penis bulged.

Leading Dhimmicrats say the leggy equestrienne (face not pastime), daughter of serial adulterer J.F. Kennedy and granddaughter of anti-Semite rum runner J.P. Kennedy, is well-qualified to sit in the world’s greatest deliberative body. “She’ll fit right in with grave statesmen like Pigfucker Franken (D-MN) and menopausal hags like Patty Murray (D-WA)” said Martina Scriblerus, former Michel Foucault Chair and Professor of Interdisciplinary Kulchural Studies at U.C. Berkeley. “Last week she made a very clever log house from popsicle sticks in her group home art class, and she’s stopped picking her nose except when tired.”